I've decided to begin the training program in earnest...
xoxo
For the new initiates:
The Monkey Girl Town Park Camping Training Program
- Rhonny “Monkey Girl” Kane
1. Wake up and glare at the bottle on the floor next to your bed
(Note: As training progresses, and greater stamina is achieved, bottle will actually be IN your bed - quite possibly under the small of your back.)
2. Stumble to green room in backyard (installed for purposes of training program*) and wait for 20 mins before relieving yourself.
(Note: An option here, rather than incurring the cost of green room rental this close to festival, would be to find a nearby construction site, a semi-clean gas station restroom, or a neighbors house containing a LOT of children)
3. Upon return to front yard, collect instrument someone "borrowed" the night before and left outside all night, leaning against a cooler.
(Note: This is a perfect opportunity to practice true festivarian spirit by not giving in to anger)
4. Stumble to kitchen, don training program blindfold, and dig through big box o'stuff for little bottle o’pain reliever.
5. Once pain reliever has been located, use dull camp knife to pry open "child-proof" cap, remove blindfold. Try to remember where first aid kit was stowed or locate suitable bandage material (duct tape).
6. Crack a beer and take pain reliever... while eyeing what remains in last night’s bottle.
7. Pour last remaining shot from bottle while repeating "Hair of the Dog"...then, fighting back nausea, back away slowly… in fear.
8. Replace blindfold, and find soap, towel, quarters, for shower.
9. Proceed to shower, remove blindfold, turn on hot water and wait for 45 mins before getting into shower, eyes closed, head against wall.
10. Get into shower, stand for a few minutes until hot water begins to fade, soap up quickly.
11. SCREAM, curse and perform a "modified stationary panic" when hot water becomes ice cold water... fumble for something to wipe soap out of eyes.
12. Take clothing and all belongings into front yard and dress in front of entire neighborhood never standing on more than one foot, taking great care not to drop clean underwear in muddy puddle.
13. Drink the first real cocktail of the day (hair of the dog, hair of the dog) and eat first meal of the day
(Note: While in Town Park this is generally some kind of food bar found in camp or breakfast prepared by someone who obviously went to bed too damn early. As an adjunct to this part of the training program, we advise you look at your very favorite dish for minimum of 20 mins prior to consuming said food; you'll find this to be valuable prep for the wait in line during the avg. 1-2 x’s per day IFFP** - intended to minimize salivary gland over-stimulation produced by Sisters Dumplings or Killer Flanks)
14. Saunter out to front yard*** and take up residence in a low-chair, with two Camelbacks: one full of water, the other full of alcoholic substance to build the rarely used orbicudrinkinginsunalldaylaris orsis muscle.
(Note: If you reside in lower elevations... suggested tactic would be to get on the roof of a tall building to ready oneself for alcohol consumption at altitude.
Note, Note: Use of training blindfold is not suggested by program creator but could be used in Extreme Training.)
15. When the "back teeth are floating" feeling hits, go to green room and stand for 20 mins.
(Note: This is an opportunity to begin to perfect the "pee-pee shuffle" disguised as "dancing to the music" or hacky-sac)
16. Set-up obstacle course for return to chair... be sure to carry food, dirty-sticker covered plastic cups full of liquid and hula-hoop through obstacle course, sit in chair without spilling.
(Note: The obstacle course should also be navigated carrying above objects while blindfolded... to simulate the trip in the dark while drunk.
Note, Note: Said obstacle course could be set up on rooftop to stimulate altitude... flat roof top HIGHLY recommended)
17. Stay in chair until dark and beyond, cheering neighbors/cars as they pass by to build clapping callus.
18. Replace program blindfold and gather all items taken out at beginning of training day, and return inside via obstacle course.
19. Put on not quite warm enough clothing, grab musical instrument and make your way out into neighborhood seeking alcohol, warmth, and people willing to jam.
20. Play music, drink gifted alcohol and try not to complain about the cold until you can no longer stand.
21. Find reasonably comfortable place to sit, and drink "borrowed" alcohol, complain about cold and play music until you can no longer find the strings.
22. Lay down in dirt, make rambling, incoherent references to [bleepin’] cold and that “demn knowitall prezsdint plant… mean bush..addfoanaaia;wfja, schneer, schneer, schneer, and occasionally slap at your instrument.
23. After the repeated insistence of homeowner/neighbor, sling instrument over your back, put on blindfold, clutch bottle w/ remainder of alcohol someone gave you / you "borrowed" in your teeth, and crawl back home to bed.
(Note: Sidewalk use is not allowed during this step. Crawl through yards, under bushes, etc… this method should help prepare you for wee-hour drunken rumblin’, bumblin’, stumblin’ return to camp.
Note, Note: Extreme training would involve at least 3-4 attempted entries into someone else’s bedroom. Goal is to get out with all limbs, dignity and undergarments intact.)
24. Lean instrument against cooler in yard, crawl in to house, in to bed and go to sleep.
Steps 1 – 24 x’s 2 = one revolution
*Under no circumstances is the green room to be serviced during training program; this is intended to properly anesthetize certain senses in prep for Fest. If possible, have people stand in line ahead of you and mumble incoherently. Practice the “smile and nod, I’m not too drunk to understand you” response.
** Avg. IFFP = average in-festival food purchase
*** Tarpology education is not covered in this program. Program creator does not want to incur the wrath of hundreds, nay thousands of festivarians…each with a disparate view on Tarpology best practices
Training Program Matrix
Weeks 1-2 Complete one revolution of training program no more than a TTL of 4 x's
Weeks 3-6 Complete two revolutions of training program 2-3 x's per week
Weeks 7-10 Complete two revolutions of training program 4-5 x's per week,
(add one complete revolution each week)
After week 7 revolutions can be added at will. Be sure to cease training program at least 3 days prior to departure for Telluride.
Get plenty of rest, drink lots of water (you should still, however, be training your bladder at this point… don’t forget to wait 20 mins. beyond the point that you think you will wet yourself!),
During the entire program, channel festivarian spirit at will... listen to good music, smile at people you don't know, willingly embarrass yourself at every opportunity and share your yard, food and drink with any and all passersby.
Additional exercises:
Give yourself toe-jobs while blindfolded
Decorate your yard with tie-dye and old couches
Convert some common household item into a propane heat source
Cook a meal for hundreds
Conduct "blind taste tests" on homebrew, coffee and hot sauces
Shuck oysters while blindfolded
Go to busy public locale and figment* without hitting anyone.
*Figment is a type of dancing. Term is derived from a statement made by program creator’s friend when, while “dosing”, he looked down on people dancing at a Dead show and said, “Looking at those figments of my imagination, figmenting around!”
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