Found this in an old email
, not sure who wrote it:
The Lost Parchment on the Law of the Burnt Offering to the Great Festivarian In the beginning, the Great Festivarian created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void, and silence was upon the land.
And the spirit of the Great Festivarian moved upon the face of the barren land. And the Great Festivarian said "Let there be music", and the music was good. And the Great Festivarian divided the music from the other noise that cometh from all manner of boom box and Walkman™. And the Great Festivarian called this music "bluegrass" and the gathering together of the believers "festival." And it was so.
And then the Great Festivarian created the guitar, banjo, mandolin, Dobro™, fiddle, and finally, the bass. And the Great Festivarian saw that it was good. And he said, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the fields and campsites and tabernacles with music."
Thus the bluegrass festival was complete, and there was much rejoicing throughout the land. And the Great Festivarian ended his work and went back to his cubicle in the unholy city.
Then, after the season of the snow, the believers gathered in the field and knelt before the tabernacle and beseeched the Great Festivarian. "Fill our ears with all things bluegrass!" And the Great Festivarian made it so. Then the Great Festivarian beseeched the believers at the tabernacle:
"During the Festival, thy souls shall not be touched by anything unclean or rock & roll for that is an abomination to the Great Festivarian."
"And ye shall hear no manner of rap for that is an abomination, whether it be hip hop or gangsta. Abstain, lest ye shall be cut off from your people."
"And at the tabernacle, these are they which ye shall hold in abomination among all things musical: any instrument whatsoever that goeth through electric amplification, any manner of horn, the bagpipe or any of its kind, and any vessel which has stretched upon it animal skin but lacks strings. Shun them, lest ye shall be unclean."
"Ye shall not make thyselves abominable with disdain for those believers not playing to thine level nor for those not playing the banjo exactly like the prophet Earl."
"Likewise, ye shall not make thyselves abominable by playing thine instrument not in tune or in false key lest ye shall become despised and cast out by your people."
"And Bela and Sam and all after them shall anoint the tabernacle and all that is therein, and all shall be sanctified."
"And ye shall make a burnt offering to the Great Festivarian of unblemished Lawrence Welk records to make atonement for listening to talk radio. And he who cannot bring a Lawrence Welk record, then shall offer a Barry Manilow record for atonement and he shall be made clean."
"Do not partake of wine or strong drink before the 12th hour of the day lest ye lose all motor skills and mental capacity and play Foggy Mountain Breakdown two hundred times in a row during jubilee jamming."
"Ye shall not forsake the slumbering faithful in the neighboring camp by playing Little Maggie like Ralph the elder at 3 AM."
"If ye are of the Banjo tribe, ye shall not be in groups of more than three for this will cause confusion among the masses and a great exodus will ensue, and a plague of locusts shall descend on the fields."
And it came to pass, and the believers at the jubilee followed the word of the Great Festivarian while all rejoiced at the tabernacle.
Author